Your Banner Over Me Is Love

You Rejoice Over Me

What are You feeling, what are You thinking

When You look upon me, when You think upon me

Remind me again Lord, Your banner over me is love

Come and surround me, let Your love fill me

To the deepest places, to the secret places

Tell me again Lord, how I have ravished Your heart

I hear a song, I hear a melody

I hear the voice of my Beloved singing over me

At the sound of His voice every accusation must flee

So I’ll let what He says define me

I hear Him saying

"Let me see your face, let me hear your voice

For you are lovely

For my heart is towards you, my love I’ve set upon you

With me there is no partiality"

You rejoice over me with singing

You take delight in me with gladness

Your love is my portion forever.

Let this song be the prayer on my heart, to let nothing and no one but the Lord define who I am.  I want to know how He sees me, and why He delights in me and stand firm on that truth because nothing else matters.  His word says He is overwhelmed by just a glance of my eye. WHOA!

Lord, I want to live a life that glorifies Your Holy name.  That I would stand so confidently in who I am  because of Your love and that that love would shine out of me in all that I do, that people would know You because of my actions.  I pray that I would be so entangled in Your love and Your will that I am no more, but that Your Spirit consumes me completely.  Lord, let me fully believe that You really are ravished by my heart and that my weak love is all that You want. Lord I ask that you would come and consume me completely- heart, mind,  soul- let it all be Yours. I want to radiate Your beauty, be a reflection of You, for You are beautiful and radiant.  Let me lavish my love on You.  Help me to keep you as the focus in all that I do.  What this all comes down to, Lord, is help me to love and to embrace Your love. 

Forgetfulness at its worst...

I guess I am writing this out of frustration.  Frustration with myself and how quickly I forget.  I don’t understand how or why I let that happen.  I can remember the most random pointless details of things that are of no use to me, but when God speaks life changing words over me I am so quick to forget and fall back into a place complacency.  Just last weekend at SCW- Spiritual Challenge Weekend (Fellowship’s fall retreat) the Lord took me to such a deep and intimate place with Him during my quiet times.  Going into one specific quiet time I could not get comfortable, I was hot, my back ached, there were so many bugs, too many people around- you name it I probably would have complained about it at the time.  Normally I really enjoy spending time with Jesus outside but I was so discontent with everything so I decided to go find a comfy chair in the dining room where it was air conditioned.  During that time I turned on my IHOP (international House of Prayer) playlist on my ipod and started crocheting.  As I was crocheting I kept feeling like I needed to read but I really didn’t want to and that’s when the Lord said “I like that you like to crochet.” So with that being said, that’s exactly what I did, I sat with my back to everyone so it was just me and Jesus, staring out a window, crocheting and listening to IHOP’s Prayer Room.  As I was doing this I was praying that my grumpiness wouldn’t get in the way of hanging out with Jesus and asked for him to change my heart and asked for revelation of His heart.  That’s when it began.  Right then a song came on and there was a man reading Revelation 4-5.  He spoke with so much passion and power as he read about heaven and the elders falling down before the throne of the Lord singing “Blessing and Honor and Glory and Power be to the Lamb that sits on the throne.”  Listening to his passion as he described heaven in the words of Revelation 4 &5 stirred my heart to long to see that, a longing to be with Jesus.  The Lord then gave me a vision of me walking down the aisle in a wedding dress and Jesus was at the alter waiting for me.  Sometimes at a wedding you will see the groom cry a little, maybe a tear or two.  But Jesus was bawling, He was sobbing, the kind of crying where His eyes were puffy and face red.  He had so much emotion and excitement that He couldn’t contain Himself as He saw me walking down the aisle toward Him.  It was the most beautiful and intense vision I have ever had. It was real.  As I was sitting in awe reflecting on what I just saw the next song that came on my ipod was the Bethel song, My Dear.  When I hear/sing this song it is always me singing it to the Lord. This time was very very different though, I heard the Lord singing it over me.  He said:

“I am yours and you are mine,

I am ravished by your sight.

Of one glimpse into your eyes.

The lover’s coming for his bride…

I need to say what my heart is screaming,

That I love you my dear

You’re everything I ever wanted, everything I ever needed

You’ve ravished my heart, I love you my dear.”

Those were anything but empty words.  To hear the Lord sing those words over me was like nothing I had ever experienced before.  The Lord said, “YOU are EVERYTHING I ever wanted.  YOU are EVERYTHING I ever needed.  YOU ravish MY heart.”  DANG……..  even thinking back to that moment I am overwhelmed by those words and depth they have especially coming from the Lord.  That is how my Creator and my Beloved feels about ME! In that moment I was so desperate for Jesus and desperately longing to be in His embrace forever. 

As I said it was such a beautiful and intimate time, but then I am so quick to forget and continue on with my life, twiddling my thumbs falling back into this unfulfilling place of complacency this week.  And I’m sick of it.  I want to live in that intimacy that I have experienced.  I want to be consumed with Jesus, but I am so quick to consume my mind with other things surrounding me, work, relationships, materialism, gahhhh Im so sick of it.  So I am calling myself out on it right now and publicly declaring that I want Jesus to consume  ALL of me, thoughts, words, actions, heart, my entire being and will no longer be distracted by things that the enemy tries to lure me away with.- I refuse.  I also want to repent for how quickly I do forget the promises that the Lord has spoken over my life and believe the lies that are thrown at me.  Lord I want to be completely and whole heartedly dedicated to You. Burn Your words on my heart, that I may never forget what you speak over me daily.

Side note: I started writing this out of frustration, but as I told my story I lost that sense of frustration and was captivated again by the words the Lord so sweetly spoke into my heart.  My Beloved is beautiful and amazing, He knows exactly how to captivate my heart!

My All

The Lord has recently been teaching me so much about His heart and His desire for me through Mark 12:30, " Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength."

 I wanted to share a couple paragraphs that stuck out to me from Misty Edwards book "What Is the Point?: Discovering life's deeper meaning and purpose."

"The reason Jesus asks us to love Him with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength is because that is how He loves us.  Paul wrote that God's love is beyond our ability to fully comprehend without the Holy Spirit's help and the time span of eternity to discover more and more of it (Eph. 3:18-19) We cannot comprehend the vast ocean of God's love, but when we see His high demand for "all," we see He is not asking anything from us He Himself does not give.  We are equally yoked to Jesus not by the size of our love but by the all of our love.  Though our all is small, it is still our all.  The Lord values our commitment to continually grow in love.  The reach of our heart to love Him moves Him.  If we do not quit, then we win.  
We come to the place where we no longer find our identity in our failure but in the fact that God loves us, in the gift of righteousness (2 Cor. 5:17), and in the cry of our spirit to love God.  Our weak attempts move Him, and this is when life becomes meaningful and dynamic.  The purpose of life is to love Him with our all and to be loved by Him.  As we are seeing, this is no small task, but it is a life-consuming journey that affects everything about us.  We have been given this dignity called the free will.  This free will enables us to choose, and when we choose to give Jesus what He wants, it moves Him deeply.  The fact that we can move God gives our lives more meaning and more purpose than anything."

I'm not looking at them, I'm looking at you.

A sweet friend of mine sent me this song a few days ago:
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Sdq8sCWlKI).  After listening to it on repeat and letting the words and the truth in this song saturate my heart and mind, I decided to type out the lyrics and share some of them.  These are truths that the Lord speaks over us all of the time but I am often too busy, worried, scared, distracted, etc. to slow down and listen for the Lord to speak these sweet words over me.  Words that bring life and calm my soul.  A reminder that my relationship with my Beloved is unique.  When I am spending time with Him, I am all that matters (and when you spend time with Him, you are all that matters to Him too.) He loves me and is proud of me even in my weakness.  Even in my struggle.  Even when I feel like I am just a seed, He reminds me that He is building me to be a strong tree planted along streams of living water, a tree whose roots go down deep.  Honestly, I often have a hard time believing that my weak love can overwhelm the Lord.  I long for the day when I can truly experience the reality of that and can see that the King is enthralled with my beauty (psalm 45:11). 

Do you know the way you move me?

Not really, but I want to believe.  I’m still growing.

Do you know the way you move me?

Father, I am just a seed not yet a tree, do You still love me?

I love your weak love, I love your reach.

O father, I’m still a seed not yet a tree, do You want me this way?

Keep on reaching keep on trying, keep on looking, it moves Me.

But I struggle to love, struggle to pray, struggle to stay another day, God.

But I love you in the struggle, I’m so proud of you.

What about the days that I am bored and that I’m tired and feeling nothing, God.

 I am so proud of you don’t believe the accuser, I’m so proud of you. 

But compared to the rest, I am the weakest one, God.

I’m not looking at them, I'm looking at you.

Are you really? Are You really proud? Do you, do You really love me God?

What your father couldn’t see, I see.  I’m so proud of you, I’m so proud of you.

But I’m still a seed not yet a tree, I’m still growing.

When you didn’t have a father, I was your father, Im so proud of you.

But I’m just a seed not yet a tree, barely growing,

But I love the way you look at me, I love the way you keep choosing to die.

But I’m just a seed not yet a tree, still maturing slowly.

But few have chosen this narrow way and you have, I’m so proud of you.

Are you really proud of me?

I am proud of you

Do you really love me?

I love you, I’m so proud of you.

Do you really want me?

I want you.

Do you really see me?

 I really see you.

I’m just a seed not yet a tree

I love you the way you’re growing, you’re leaning, your loving, your learning, it’s not as small as it seems.

Trying to believe, help my unbelief

Few are the ones who are choosing this narrow way.

Trying to believe, help my unbelief.

I'll be your strength each day, I’m so proud of you.

I’m trying to feel it, trying to know it, trying to see it, help my unbelief.

I'll be your strength I’m so proud.

Give me grace, give grace.

Do you know how you caught My eye.

I believe, o help my unbelief

In this secret place, the way you choose to die,

I believe help these eyes to see

Do you know the way you move me?

Searching For Something More

Well let me say, this summer so far has been kind of lonely.  With all of the students and many of my good friends leaving town for the summer, it has been a rough adjustment for me.   Don’t get me wrong, I have some really amazing friends still here and feel blessed beyond belief to have them in my life, but I so often desire more.  Tonight, when I came home to an empty house (as it usually is because my roommates, including myself, are always busy) loneliness again sank in.  Why though?  I do not understand.  I hung out with friends last night and had a great time.  Tonight a friend made dinner for me.  When I left his house I met up with a group of 8+ people to go see a movie, I then saw 2 other friends at the theatre.  After the movie was over we all kind of went our own ways and I decided to stop at the grocery store to grab a couple things, while there I ran into 4 other good friends that I do not see often enough and they were quick to ask me to come just hangout and talk with them for a little bit.  Looking back at the whole night I was with some of the most amazing people.  People that pursued my friendship or asked me to come and just hangout with them.  I know I am loved, but why at the end of the day when I get home do I just feel lonely?  I feel like I am constantly searching for something more.

Honestly, I think a huge part of it is that I am quick to fill my time with people, not that this is a bad thing, I love people.  But I tend to prefer to hangout with people as opposed to spend time with God.  Am I stupid?  I know that God is the ONLY ONE that can truly satisfy my soul and longings of my heart, but why do (in a way) avoid spending time with him?  If I am going to be completely honest though sometime spending time with God just doesn’t sound appealing so I go hangout with friends, but at the end of the day I am back where I started. 

I need to trust the Lord with my heart and know that He has created places in my heart that only He can reach.  I need to stop chasing after people and things to fill these areas that only my Creator can touch. 

Lord, I ask You to overcome me.  Break these cycles that I so often fall into.  Turn my eyes from everything in this world so that I can focus only on You!  Jesus I pray against my weak attempts to find fulfillment in other worldly things or in people, but I ask that you would constantly remind me that only You truly know my heart and know what I need.  Only You can fulfill my heart’s desire.  Lord, overcome me!

Redemption

Colossians 1:13-14 "For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the Kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

This will be short partly because I don't have too many words to describe this place I am in right now, but also because I'm still learning.  Lately I've been feeling disgusting, gluttonous, wicked, distant, and just flat out lazy... I've been ignoring God and most of what He has been calling me to do simply because not doing it is easier.  It is easier to watch a tv show or movie, play a game, or just be with friends.  Those things sound a lot more entertaining and relaxing to me right now than spending time with God.  I'm lazy.  Since i've fallen into the complacency/laziness, I've also started taking on this mind set of "who am I to turn back to God now... I've ignored Him, He's not going to want to be with me."  And honestly, a little while back i very clearly heard Him say to me, "I've given you my heart, please be gentle with it."  And I've been anything but gentle with Him.  In my heart I've turned and ran so many times and take Him for granted and used Him- as said I've been anything but gentle with God's heart.  Anyway.... tonight after playing around for a while, I decided I really should read even though I don't want to so I continued working through Hebrews.  I picked up where I left off at Chapter 9, which is all about God's covenants, the new (blood of Christ) replacing the old (sacrifice).  Here I'm sitting here feeling like I would almost repulse God if I turned back to Him right now (I know that is absolutely a lie), and He told me so gently and full of grace, 

"My blood covers you constantly, even when you try to run and push, I'm there.  You're never too far gone.  You are mine and I will continuously pick you up and dust you off when you stumble." 

 I don't understand the depth of God's love, but I'll accept it!

"But He (Jesus) entered the Most Holy Place once and for all by His own blood, having obtained redemption........How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God." Hebrews 9: 12, 14
"

Chasing an Illusion in My Heart

The following is a post from the blog, A Girl Like Me ( I have posted the link at the bottom of this post).  The Lord knows exactly what I need when I need it.  It's crazy!  Over the past week I have been critically analyzing my heart, my desires, my motivations and idols in my life.  As I realize more and more about my heart, I realize there are idols there that I have not wanted to admit to myself, let alone any one else.  Reading this brought to light that some things in my life aren't just desires, but idols. This post revealed yet again that God wants my heart, my WHOLE heart. Not a piece. Not a second thought.  He wants it ALL.  I cohose to focus on Him above these desires.  I choose to lay them at His feet and trust that He knows best.  I choose to be joyful no matter the situation. I choose to put Jesus over myself.

THE VERY THING I DESIRE - A Girl Like Me Blog

"Hey.  Come sit across from me.  Grab a cup of coffee or a peppermint tea and pretend to look me in the eyes.  Let’s talk.  Lets get real shall we.  Let’s look into the depths of our hearts and pull out the crutches that we are hiding and the sin we are pretending isn’t there.  You see, I haven’t been real with myself lately and thought, just maybe, you were in the same boat.

I may need this more than you.  A time of confession you could say.  A time to be real with you because I’m just now realizing that there is an Idol in my heart that I didn’t want to admit was there.  This idol proves that I am fully capable of being selfish, narcissistic and so consumed with my daily crap.  I consistently think about me, feel sorry for myself, and drown myself in a sea of self pity.  I have let it consume me and keep me from compassion and love towards others.  I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the way I was thinking or feeling until I read the definition of an Idol according to Tim Keller.

He says this, ” It is ANYTHING more important to you than God, ANYTHING that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, ANYTHING you seek to give you what only God can give.  A counterfeit god is anything so essential to your life that, should you lose it, your life would feel hardly worth living.  An idol has such a controlling position in your heart that you can spend most of your passion and energy on it without a second thought.  It can be the way you look, how much money you have, getting a romantic relationship, how smart you are, approval from other people, your morality and virtue, or even success in a Christian ministry.  An Idol is whatever you look at and say, in your heart of hearts, – ‘ If I have that, then I’ll feel my life has meaning, then I’ll know I have value, then I’ll feel significant and secure.”  Phew.  Convicted yet?  I am...

The very last statement to the whole book of 1 John is ” Little children, keep yourselves from idols.”  Why does it end this way?  When you read prior to that it says- ” And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask ANYTHING according to HIS WILL He hears us!!  And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of Him.  … And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ.  He is the true God and eternal life… therefore- keep yourselves from idols!”  Idols lie to you!  They tell you that you won’t be happy unless you have this certain thing.  They tell you that your life utterly depends on it.  They tell you that you are most important in this life.  However, God is truth!  We belong to God so we belong to truth!  Not lies…. We are in Him!   It is not about me, It is not about whether or not I get the desires of my heart. This whole thing we are living is about God and knowing God.  God is the very thing our heart searches for and longs for and the only thing that will completely satisfy us.  In His presence are Joys evermore.  And when we realize that and we turn our eyes from the lies to the truth we will see Him and see others.  Our thoughts will turn off of ourselves and onto the One who can give eternal life.

Romans 12:15 says this- ” Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.”  This one sentence sums up so much of community and the focus of others.  When we have an idol residing in our life we cannot honestly rejoice with those who rejoice and cry with those who cry.  Idols keep us with our hands tied up disabling us from serving others whole heartedly.  It keeps us in a pit of disappointment rather than pointing us towards hope in knowing our God hears our prayers.  I am ashamed at the way I have acted towards certain friends who got the very thing I wanted and I didn’t.  If I could go back I would have rejoiced in their gladness.  I would have hugged them rather than allow the anxiety to build.   I would have cheered them on and trusted that God knows my heart and He is the very thing I long for and have already received.

Ok.. take a sip of your coffee and take a deep breath and look into your heart of hearts- Is there anything more important to you than God right now?  Is there something you are seeking to get value and acceptance from that isn’t God?  Is there something in your life.. that if you were to lose it your life would feel unworthy of living?  Is there anything, if you were to gain it, that you would feel significant and worth something?  I know these can be hard questions to ask.  And believe me… we don’t want to answer them.  You could do what I did and just pass over this going on with your life and letting it be.  That would be the easy thing to do.  But I am here to tell you that God loves you too much to let you get away with that.  And sooner or later He will always bring your Idols to light and you will have a choice to do something about it or just pretend that it’s no big deal.  I urge you to dig out the things that are consuming your thoughts and replacing God in your life and confess them before the Lord.  Allow Him to remove these idols and I promise you – You will find what you are truly looking for."

http://agirlikeme.com/2013/01/29/the-very-thing-i-desire/

Emptiness being overcome

God always knows what is going on with me, especially when I don't...  I've been struggling recently believing a lot of lies about myself, my inadequacy, and certain things within friendships.  I feel completely empty.  Throughout this I haven't been able to clearly hear God's heart for me or any of the struggles so today I picked up my Jesus Calling devotional in hopes that God would speak clearly to me through it.

"Let Me bless you with My grace and peace.  Open your heart and mind to receive all that I have for you.  Do not be ashamed of your emptiness.  Instead, view it as the optimal condition for being filled with My peace. 
It is easy to touch up your outward appearance, to look as if you have it all together.  Your attempts to look good can fool most people.  But I see straight through you, into the depths of your being.  There is no place for pretense in your relationship with Me.  Rejoice in the relief of being fully understood.  Talk with Me about your struggles and feelings of inadequacy.  Little by little, I will transform your weaknesses into strengths.  Remember that your relationship with Me is saturated in grace.  Therefore, nothing that you do or don't do can seperate you from my presence."

Just as I can feel myself retreating,  pushing people away and feeling like I am doing this alone, the Lord reminds me nothing can seperate me from His presence.  I am never alone.